Redemption

What's wrong with me...

The things I let people say to me, the way I let people treat me, the things I let them do to me. It just isn't right what I let them do to me. I hear them screaming and fighting and crawling around, always in my head writhing like mice in a wheel having a picnic in my brain. They never know when to stop. They come to me with open arms, and then throw rocks through my frame thin of glass and shatter me piece by piece before walking right over me to their next victim, and I let them. All around me I see the luminous love shining of those around me, burning out and dying away just as soon as they began, and at my request. I never meant for them to, not any of them, not like this. How was I supposed to know they would all jump ship so fast? Am I to blame for this? Was the fault mine? The world is crumbling, sky falling, fires blazing, the earth twisting and cracking, oceans swathing, birds crying. Constant noise makes it all deafening and maddening.

I look inward upon myself, looking at the past, present and future to help understand what can be done to make it stop, and nothing happens. I'm left only with more questions, and little answers. I let them do these things to me, and I still come back, begging, pleading, praying, loving, wishing, hoping things will change.

Putting me on a pedestal, built me up to break me apart just as fast. I can never let them know the truth. They can never know how weak I really am. They can never know what I see or how I feel, and the others, they can never know who I really am. No. no no no no no.

Please, just punish me. Just leave them alone, and punish me, please. Please...